Listening to AJR right now, specifically “God is Really Real” (I’m not suddenly a believer— the lyrics are really freaking sad) and I am having BIG FEELINGS. Grief is a moving target some days. Today is one of those days.

I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my beloved cat.

May is always really weird and hard, sometimes there are good memories but mostly just bad ones. I’ve been trying to not make it a big deal this year but as the book says, “The body keeps the score”.

I don’t know what June will look like. Mom’s birthday is in June. This is the first birthday since her death and I truthfully don’t know how I’m going to react. And Father’s Day is in June too, but I’m just going to preoccupy myself by wishing my father-in-law a good day. Four years since my dad’s been laid to rest. Fuck.

I was an utter mess last year (understatement of the century) because I had weaned off of my medication and weaning off didn’t work. Long story short, it was a really bad idea no matter how well monitored I was, because I couldn’t deal with life at the time. I’m better now, much better this year. On the anniversary of last year’s incident I was agitated and stuck in migraine land for a couple days, but that was the most of it.

I’m in a really good place this year, hands down all 10s across the board. Work is going amazingly well, and since that’s the vast majority of my week, I’d say that’s a notable achievement. I have a rotating array of hobbies that I’m really enjoying for once. Just tonight I finally cracked the code on enjoying creating art without torturing myself for perfection’s sake. It’s taken me 33 fucking years to get here, but I’m finally here.

Do I feel guilty? No. Grief is just a really heavy burden.

We went to one of my favorite cafes today for brunch. Literally had a fancy version of McD’s Big Breakfast. It was great. Then we went shopping @ The Shoppes at Farmington Valley and hubby bought me some adorable outfits that I can’t wait to wear. We went to Lowe’s for his plants then had lunch and I bought some painting ebooks. Today was a good day.

I just feel really fucking sad.

My mom moved away several years ago and I never saw her again aside from the occasional Facebook video call. Then she passed last year around the holidays and god, that hit me like a ton of bricks. The biggest pain that I carry with me is that my last call with her was the day before Halloween when she said she’d see me in heaven. I couldn’t bring myself to call her again after that because… well, there’s no good reason. I just… couldn’t. Finally I called in December, coincidentally on the day she died. She had just passed and I just barely missed her. I try to tell myself that she said her goodbyes any time I get lost in my thoughts. It doesn’t make it any easier.

I didn’t really visit my parents after I left home, but I did visit more often when my dad’s disease got worse.

The Earth is spinning like it always did The New York Times is publishing Some real important thing And each day when the world wakes up Our lawns will still be wet And my dad can’t get out of bed

I believe the opposite of what a lot of people believe when they say people come into your life for a reason. Ever since my parents passed I have learned the one truth that is real for every person on this planet: your time with a person is finite and it will come to an end one day. That gives me peace.

But for tonight I will continue sobbing while I listen to this album.